Dear Toll Booth Collector

Dear Chicopee Toll Booth Collector,

I usually keep quite a bit of change in my car in order to pay the $1.50 in tolls that I incur each way daily traveling the Massachusetts Turnpike. Today I unexpectedly needed to take my wife's car to work. While approaching the tollbooth exit on my way home, I realized that I had no bills in my wallet and there was only $1.35 in change in her ashtray. $.15 short.

Now, I've been driving the Pike every week day for the past 13 months. Off the top of my head, that amounts to around $840. I'd say I've seen you at least twice a week over that time period. So again, off the top of my head, I'd say that you personally have collected no less than $168.25 from me. The extra $.25 includes the quarter that you shorted me in change two months ago.

So what happens when I drive up to the tollbooth and tell you that I'm short $.15? (By the way, that's 10% short of the required toll... .00054% of the total amount that I've spent driving to work over the past 13 months.)

You cop an attitude and tell me, "You know... this isn't MY money."

Right.

Thank you... I wasn't aware.

Believe me, it wasn't my intention to short the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority, and by extension, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, its $.15.

I don't require much of the people to whom I give money for the pleasure of driving a poorly maintained stretch of highway. But I have noticed that not once... once... have you ever managed anything approaching a smile or even civility when taking my money, unlike the majority of the people with whom you work. You should really work on that. I made a simple mistake that, at the end of the day, didn't cause anyone to die in a fiery wreck or lose their sight or even require a band-aid. I hope you can forgive me and we can go back to our previous relationship of blank stares and outstretched hands.

I once watched a comedy sketch on The Upright Citizens Brigade about a businessman that was able to maintain a sense of confidence and superiority with anyone he'd deal with through the concept of what he termed, "Ass Pennies". See, what he did was stick $30 in pennies a day into his rectum for 11 years, and then spend the pennies. His theory was that the person who intimidated him most likely has his ass pennies in their pocket.

Google it... I'm sure it's on YouTube. It's hilarious. Unless you handle change all day. Then... probably not so much. Not that I would ever do that. It seems a little extreme. But this is Massachusetts and there are some weirdos that live here. Just something to think about.

So, even though I figure you're still $.10 ahead of me from that quarter, here's your $.15. I apologize again for the oversight. It won't happen again.

Road Shoes

Every time I see a shoe on the side of the road, I wonder if it has a foot in it.

Entreprenuerial

I'm just saying... It could work.

Mermaids

Those sailors back in the day must have been really horny to think this was a mermaid...

Or they liked fat chicks.

A Bike for Christmas

When I was 10 or so I wanted a new BMX bike for Christmas, but when I opened my presents in the morning, all I found was two new inner tubes.

American Idol Article on SBR Forum

My friends Robyn and Bread have been writing an American Idol wrap-up and wagering info for the last couple of weeks on SBR Forum. Bread went to the Tampa Bay Rays game last night, so I filled in for him.

Last night's show was a little weak... I was a fairly disappointed with everyone considering where they are in the competition. But the really disappointing thing was that nobody screwed up horribly enough to give any real grist to the mill.

Overall, it was fun, but it's not easy trying to be funny on a deadline. At least when it's not completely creative. I think we would have been better if we were in the same room and could have played off each other. I gotta give Robyn respect for the David Archuletta photoshop. I guarantee that kid has a human tail.

So here it is... SBR Forum's Elite Eight Night American Idol article.

Please stop by and leave a comment.

A Curiously Weak Radio

This week I was listening to the Make podcast and got an idea for a new project... the Altoids foxhole radio.



For those of you (most, I suspect) who don’t know what a foxhole radio is, it’s a homemade radio made famous by American GIs in World War II. In 1941 at Anzio, troops were forbidden to have radios, as the Germans had equipment that could detect the oscillator signal of commercial receivers. Someone cobbled together a radio out of scavenged wire, a pencil, a razor blade and a shitload of ingenuity. The idea spread up and down the beachhead and soon many were listening to whatever passed for Opie and Anthony back in the day. This is what they looked like:



And in action:



I thought a foxhole radio would be an easy, fun project that I could tart up a bit. Looking beside me in my car, I saw an Altoids tin and figured that an Altoids hack coupled with an old skool foxhole radio and sprinkled with a dash of steampunk would be right up my alley.

The plan:

1. Wrap the tin in black or red leather embossed or tooled.
2. Varnished cherry wood dowel to wrap the coil around.
3. Obligatory brass.
4. Marbled paper inset into the lid.

My goal is a turn of the century iPod. Best of all... no batteries.

I’m getting supplies today and will post my progress or lack thereof.

Buggin'

It's almost warm enough to get out and start shooting again. This year I vow to take a lot more photos, both in the studio and the field.

And actually post them to bugguide.



That is all.

Newsworthy

Breakfast of Nitwits

Easter Brekkies

I've been craving crumpets forever. I used to get them from Publix (Mmmmm Publix) in Florida, but since moving to Massachusetts, I'd been unable to find them. I even went so far as to research crumpet recipes, but like most things, I wasn't that motivated. So I resolved to be crumpet free.

Until now.



Trader Joe's FTW!

What if They Held an Olympics Games and No One Came?

Two Chinese officials requesting Nepalese police apprehend the American taking this photo and take his camera away.

In the summer of 1989, I was supposed to go to China on a school trip. Unfortunately, the Chinese government had a different idea, as it became their policy to "dissuade" the thousands of protesters demonstrating in the highly visible center of Tiananmen square for media reform and an open dialogue with government. Eventually, the tanks and guns showed up and a lot of people got killed. Just like my hopes of seeing the Great Wall that summer.

Now, almost 20 years later, it looks like China will be banning live broadcasts during the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. This is on the heels of the expulsion of the last two foreign journalists from Tibet on Thursday. All of this is in response to the anti-Chinese demonstrations/riots that occured in Lhasa.

Do I know everything that has been going on? Of course not. Do I necessarily agree with the Dalai Lama? Nope. Is it possible that the protests were co-opted by violent separatists?  Undoubtedly.  And this is precisely my point. I don’t  know a lot about the situation right now, specifically because there are no foreign journalists reporting. The only news you can find out of China is staunchly party line. At least the Germans are showing some kind of backbone here. Germany’s development minister has called a halt to upcoming talks with China in light of the current situation. All Condoleezza Rice could muster was a weak, ’You guys should shake hands and make nice.’ As a matter of fact, Bush is planning on attending the games... even after everything that has been happening.

I have an idea... Fuck China. Despite the fact that IOC President Jacques Rogge reportedly stated that no countries have called for boycott of the games, maybe that’s something we should be thinking about. Perhaps I’m being a little simplistic, but then again, what better statement could we make? It’s not like we are realistically going to start imposing economic sanctions on them. Hell, next we’d have to start insisting that the Saudis treat their women and homosexuals better or we wouldn’t buy oil from them.

But skip the Olympics... that puts a big asterisk next to the results of the 2008 games, doesn’t it? And if a few other countries that believe in free speech and human rights get in on it too... who knows?

Or maybe we’re all just going down the shitter... playing with our leaden Chinese toys.

What happens in the playroom...

...stays in the playroom.

The Cult of Mac or Why I'll Never Buy Another Windows Computer

This is the iMac G5 that I bought 3 years ago.

I used to think that people who bought Apples were assholes. I heard all the stories about how they were easier and more user friendly. I thought it was hype. I thought it was for people who liked style over function.

Then I began looking for a computer for my wife, and the simplicity thing became an issue. She pretty much hates the computer because it intimidates her. My search coincided with the release of the iMac G5. I fell in love with it... the simple, clean form factor. So I bought one.

In the time that I have owned it, I have had exactly three problems with it. The first was an issue with my non Apple wireless router that I had used with my Windows laptop. For some reason, I couldn't get a decent signal on the iMac and it would constantly hang. I called Applecare and they recommended an Apple Airport... of course, right? But as soon as I bought and installed it, I had no problems connecting with the iMac or the Windows laptop.

The next problem was a little more serious. The fan kept running... really loud and all the time. When it powered on it sounded like a jet engine spooling up. Then it started shutting down by itself. Often. And it started occurring more and more frequently. Finally it shut off altogether and wouldn't power up.

As you would guess, it was about 6 months out of warranty and I don't have the extended Applecare. I checked the Apple forums and discovered that there was an existing issue with some iMacs where faulty logic boards were causing them to overheat and shut down. Sure enough, I called Apple support and they told me that even though my iMac was out of warranty, they would still replace the logic board for free. An $800 part... free. I took it in to the closest Apple authorized service center (a CompUSA) and it was fixed in two days. Good as new. Actually, better than new.

Last week I noticed the iMac was off during the day. I powered it back up and a couple of hours later I noticed it was off again. I powered it up again and I also noticed a lot of lines in the lcd like it was getting some kind of electronic interference. It crapped out again shortly after.

I called up Apple. It's been over a year since I had the logic board replaced, so I figured I was SOL and was looking at buying a new iMac. Eventually. When my family didn't have to eat or be kept from freezing anymore. I explained my problem and explained the similarity to the previous problem I'd experienced. It was immediately escalated to a G5 iMac specialist who had me run a utility and check the data log. He told me it was the power supply that was failing.

"Shit," I thought to myself and started to look up prices for a replacement. But he told me that the power supply should have been replaced when it was brought in for the original service (CompUSA's screw up) and that it would be replaced for free at any Apple Store. I set up an appointment on Monday and it was done by Tuesday.

And that is why there is a cult of Mac... and why I am now a part of it. I'm officially a convert now. When my laptop finally dies, or becomes so useless that it needs to be replaced, I will buy an Apple laptop. I'll be replacing the iMac in the next year or so and this one will be bestowed upon Fletcher and Blythe for Webkins and games. Are Apples expensive? Yeah. But good customer service is so rare these days that when you find a company that provides it... consistently... and beyond the period where they are reasonably obligated to, you stick with them.

Roscoe & Gilmore

Halloween circa 1978

Sara

For the last couple of weeks Blythe has been talking about her friend "Sara". At first we weren't sure if it was one of her classmates, but after we were informed that she lived in our house we figured she was either an imaginary friend or a ghost. And since Fletcher is our first defense against spirits and he hasn't raised the alarm yet it had to be an imaginary friend.

Sara is a wunderkind... She has all the coolest toys and can stay up late. She rides a horse and has unicorn wallpaper. She has eyes that light up at night and she poops rainbows. She doesn't have to eat fish or vegetables and subsists on yogurt, cheese sticks and orange juice.

The other day I came home and Blythe told me that Sara was, in fact, here and she wanted to introduce me. I assumed that I would have to carry on a conversation with the thin air for a couple of minutes, but low and behold I found her little golem, Sara in the corner of the living room.

Tea towel $ 1.00
Disney nightgown $ 9.00
bead necklace $ .50
Manfrotto tripod $230.00



Crossdressing Star Wars battle droid imaginary friend... Priceless.

Escape from Massachusetts

Monday morning I got in an accident in my truck. I was going around 40-45 on the turnpike during a snowstorm and hit an icy patch on a slight downgrade. I managed to slide from the right lane, nearly hit the right guardrail, cross over to the left guardrail, bounce off and come back across and hit the right guardrail. I felt pretty relieved as I didn't hit too hard and figured there was little damage.

That was when the Penske truck hit me.



It caved in the rear passenger door and quarter panel... knocked me sideways quite a way too. My lower back is hurting, as is my neck. But after all of that I still think I dodged a bullet.

As another driver was getting into the tow truck with me, I looked out of the windshield and noticed some debris in the road. Then I saw the plow trucks, and the semi, and the long strip of the left guardrail that was missing. Apparently, a semi came around the corner just as a couple plow trucks came out of an access road right behind us. They pulled out into the right lane that the truck was in. The semi driver tried to avoid them by going further right into the breakdown lane... where we were. He saw us and turned back to the left... and slammed into the left guardrail and the back of one of the plows. He hit it so hard that it destroyed his front axle and knocked one of his fuel tanks off. If he hadn't made that split-second decision, or if he'd jacknifed his trailer, I wouldn't be writing this right now.

I met him afterward. He admitted that he was driving 55... too fast for the conditions and road. The State Policeman threw the book at him and he's probably been fired from his job by now. On the one hand, I'm pissed that he was driving so fast, but it's tempered by the fact that it wasn't all his fault and his quick action probably saved my life.

If you're driving in the snow and rain, drive a little slower than what you "think" is safe.

And if your job doesn't close, or open later due to inclement weather, you tell them to go fuck themselves. Stay home and play with your kids.

Update

I went and picked up my truck with the tow truck today. The pictures don't seem to do it justice... or justify how sore I've been. But it's enough damage that it can't be fixed, at least not cheaply enough to make it worthwhile. And it would never be the same. I feel pretty good about the licking it took, though. Blythe's car seat was on that side and it didn't move a bit.





What a bitch.

Wistariahurst Christmas